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Change things that you believe make the essay worse or confusing. //Comment on the process, what you think worked and what didn't? Have you learned something about how to improve your writing by looking at what people have done to it? Have you learned something about how to improve your writing by editing the work of others?

Overall I think this was a useful learning experience. I can see where it is hard to collaborate with another person when writing an article. At first, there were a few grammar changes, in particular the last sentence of the second paragraph. I did not feel the change was for the best, and decided to reword it (although it could still use work). I was grateful for the hyperlinks added and to have a fresh pair of eyes read through the work to catch any grammatical errors I missed. As for different writing styles, I think that I still prefer the way I write- hopefully short and to the point.

I think there would have been a different outcome if these articles were written in collaboration on a subject we were all familiar with. I found it hard suggesting any further historical information on most topics sense I had very little background knowledge on the other subjects. Possibly in the future the assignment would have two students work on one paper.

Last comments by calhistorycalhistory, 16 Jun 2012 22:15

First of all, thank you all for doing all of those edits! I thank you for catching those many typos/grammatical errors! Also, thanks for all of the links; they were all super helpful. OK, so for this post I just read through the previous edits to make sure that everything was still accurate and historically correct. There were a few areas where I wasn't completely fond of the word choice so I changed it around a bit but other then that everything seemed all good!! Thank you all again, this was a really cool way to revise/edit everything.

Post Five by BriaAnnBriaAnn, 28 May 2012 03:29

Sorry!!! I posted twice because I thought my first comment did not save.

by John-Christian10John-Christian10, 24 May 2012 20:14

I did some grammar edits but over a very good article. Overall it is a good example of a wiki grounded in historical context but brought to the forefront with contemporary examples. I think your conclusion does an excellent job of demonstrating that while the cannabis might be new, the incursion of tribal sovereignty by local and federal government has consistent historical precedent. In short, a great refresher for anyone who thinks the conflict between the American Government and American Indians existed only in the 19th and early 20th centuries.

editing by John-Christian10John-Christian10, 24 May 2012 20:13

I just did some slight editing, but overall this piece reads very well. I think you do an excellent laying out the issue and supporting your argument with 1) the historical treatment and lack of economic stability on American reservations and 2) cite more contemporary action taken by local and Federal government against the Round Valley Tribal Council. I also think that your conclusion works well because it get to the very heart of everything you are talking about, what does tribal sovereignty mean if it is constantly violated? That seems to be the underlying historical precedent set by non-natives. In short a great historically grounded wiki with compelling contemporary examples.

editing by John-Christian10John-Christian10, 24 May 2012 20:07

I had fun reading about the controversial statues again. My favorite is about the civil war heroes in Richmond. The photo you have posted really does look like the tennis star is going to beat the children! Why is he so giant compared to the kids?! What an odd combination. I did make some changes, although I am always nervous when it comes to editing someone's work. Most edits were deleting repetitive words and a few changes in word order.

Great, informative article.

Edit by calhistorycalhistory, 24 May 2012 07:16

Just changed a few sentences around and switched up the word use a bit. Some of the sentences were written a little confusing so I just tweaked them to make the intro run more smoothly.

Step 4 by BriaAnnBriaAnn, 24 May 2012 03:47
Step 4
Rev Mike BurtonRev Mike Burton 22 May 2012 22:09
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Hamu Shiru

I made no changes in the writing because it looks to me to be as concise and clear as possible. My Middle Eastern history is a bit weak, so at times the article does feel dense with jargon and I had to read some lines twice to follow all of the Arabic names and words, but that does not necessarily mean there are improvements to be made.
I added a link from a Washington Post article that gives some history on the Kurds on a whole (it is one of those groups we've heard mentioned in news reports for the last decade, but few lay people [myself included] understand the complex tribal history of the area). I sought to add links in other spots, but most of the phrases I searched in Google brought me back to this article! It was an impressive sign of just how original the work is that David is doing.

Step 4 by Rev Mike BurtonRev Mike Burton, 22 May 2012 22:09

Overall really good. I would stick with the voice edits made by Michael. I also added some links as well as some information about the sell off land. I would check to see who the last Oliver was in 1982. Perhaps a comparison between the original property size versus the size in 1982. As really short conclusion might be good to tie together all the loose ends. Overall good info and great local connections made broader. Hope this helps.

Edits by John-Christian10John-Christian10, 17 May 2012 21:54

I added hyperlinks throughout the page and added a naval photo. The photo was from the same source as the other two, but I couldn't figure out how to accredit it Possibly re-word intro to make the paragraph more concise. Avoid passive constructions and repetition ("visible").

Hyperlinks & photo by calhistorycalhistory, 17 May 2012 04:20

I focused on the acts, laws, government reports, ballot initiatives you referenced here. I added links to sites I thought would expand on the information for anybody who feels to need to look into government policy in excruciating detail. Some are straight PDF's (written in full glorious and unreadability dry legalese), but mostly I tried to find sites that would be "one-stop shops", showing the legal aspects of the policies in simple English, but also offered the official paperwork as well. The only one I suspect to have any kind of agenda is the Mendocino Marijuana Advisory Board, but they too seemed to have a lot of useful information on the process of legalization in the county.
Very nicely written though. I think it's a brave issue to tackle, with marijuana as a door toward tribal sovereignty rights. Most of the world, media and internet sees everything pertaining to the growing of pot as either "legalize it, bro" or "illegal aliens are selling drugs to school children to support their white slavery cabal!" Your tone is so even and work so well researched it surely will stay above the fray.

I hope that I didn't overstep our mandate with edits, but I mainly punched up some phrasing here and there and did what I thought would some of the longer sentences a little more clear. I assume you have the original saved on your computer, so if I made any changes you don't like, please fix things back to the way you want them.
One thing I corrected, but wasn't sure about, is you made a reference to the South Pacific Railroad. As far as I know there was never a South Pacific, but there was the South Coast Pacific and the Southern Pacific. I did a quick search and it seems it was South Coast Pacific who ran through Mt. Eden, so I changed the sentence to that and added a link to to a South Coast Pacific historical society.
It's very interesting. I didn't realize we had such a thriving salt industry until your writing this quarter and it's one of those great and unsung pockets of local history.

a few wording edits by Rev Mike BurtonRev Mike Burton, 15 May 2012 23:31

Hello BriaAnn: thank you very much for the photo links to Jabal Sinjar. The fourth photo from the bottom, by the way, shows a Saddam-era scud missile ramp. Thanks again. The article is much improved. Kind Regards - David P.

Re: Step 3 by David PelfreyDavid Pelfrey, 12 May 2012 18:59

Hello Nora: nicely done. I am particularly pleased with your Ottoman map that illustrates two territorial phases. One side comment, Kurdistan in general and southern Kurdistan in particular (where Hamu Shiru's Yezidis concentrated) was never fully under Ottoman control. In fact, the empire seemed to surround several fairly large autonomous islands of peoples and tribes, the Yezidi among them. Kind Regards - David P.

Re: Nora: Step 2 by David PelfreyDavid Pelfrey, 12 May 2012 18:57
Step 3
BriaAnnBriaAnn 12 May 2012 06:02
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Hamu Shiru

For this step I found a few links that give a little more background to the topic. Resources seem a little limited and I'm going to keep looking for a bit more information throughout the week but I figured I should put up what I found asap.

Step 3 by BriaAnnBriaAnn, 12 May 2012 06:02

I had a hard time with this because Michael is such a great writer. This is an awesome example of history that is based on scholarly research, but written to be engaging to a wide audience. So I really didn't want to mess with the formula.

That being said I added links to The Society of California Pioneers website, linked the Haymarket riot date of May 4, 1886 to a PDF of readings about the topic to the Chicago History Museum. Lastly I added a short line about people still interpreting Monument Avenue today and linked it to a website that is a .edu~with a persons name. I thought it was neat becaus eit shows an obvious point of view on the subject and also relates to our readings about how .edu and .edu~ are not the same. In this case the site is tying itself to the University of Virginia. By no means does it look all that great, but it demonstrates people using new forms of media to communicate *their* view of history.

Overall, this is a great article and reads as well as all of Michael's blogs.

Added a quote from the Office of National Drug Control Policy. Originally sought to footnote via application; however, original article footnotes are not configured through Wikidot. Therefore, citation handled through hyperlink for the moment. Kind Regards - David P.

This was an interesting topic, but it might be difficult for the general public to understand without some context and definition of terms. I deleted repetitive words and rephrased some sentences to be more concise. I also added an Ottoman Empire map with Sinjar highlighted in red and a comment section at the bottom of the page.

Nora: Step 2 by calhistorycalhistory, 10 May 2012 06:52

Uloaded a photo of Livermore Rodeo, first half of 20th century. Kind Regards - David Pelfrey

Livermore Rodeo by David PelfreyDavid Pelfrey, 10 May 2012 04:54

Added hyperlink and attempted several times to make grammar edits. Nice article taking shape. Interesting dialectic between aggies and suburbanites. Kind Regards - David P.

Added Hyperlink by David PelfreyDavid Pelfrey, 09 May 2012 05:46
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